blog.area51.org

I’m not letting you off the hook, lardo: it’s your fault your ass is so damned huge.

You have help, though. The Bush administration is in cahoots with the Corporate Cabal to make your gigantic gut even bigger.

My sources at the NSA and FBI tell me that the neocon New World Order agenda includes an obesity component. American commoners must become very fat. By all accounts, this is one neocon tactic that is wildly successful. You fatasses.

Before I bother to get into how they’re doing it, let’s talk about the why. It’s not hard to figure out, if you’re not a stupid, beer-guzzling, chip-stuffing hog. Several outfits benefit from your expanding keister:

• The systemized health scam, especially the hoax they call HMOs, win by eliminating your land-whale ass from their roster. They’ve collected fistfuls of cash from your employers, and they get to charge more when you’re as obese as you are. Then you kick off and they’re free from paying for your “mobility-scooter” and your doctor visits.
• Big surprise: Pepsico, makers of every goddamned corn chip known to civilized man, is a long-time backer of George W. Bush and his New World Order. Shocked and awed? I figured, you barco-lounging fatmaster. Yes, you’re too dense to figure out that Bush and his Dick (Cheney) want you spending your Wal-mart payroll checks on fat food. News flash: junk food is ultra-cheap to make. It costs practically nothing to crank out. It’s all made of the same shit. In fact, they’ve got Artificial Intelligence software (not even that intelligent) to create new “brands” of this crap every week. Re-package, have some graphics computer poop out another logo design, and they’ll shift another 10 million units before the weekend is out. Profits are skyrocketing, and so are kickbacks for the government elite. You’re really no better than sheep. Really fat sheep.
• None of that shit compares to this reason: coup d’état. Since you don’t speak Russian, let me translate for you: they’re creating a dictatorship, and you’re too fat to do anything about it. And you’re getting fatter. Soon enough, probably next year, you’ll all be too fat to fight, to protest, or even to care. That’s good timing. Bush plans on cancelling the election and assuming a life-long “presidency”. Take my advice: it’s too late and you’re pushing 300 lbs. Just keep showing up to the factory and putting in your eight hours. Guzzle some Michelob Dark afterwards. You won’t notice the totalitarian government. Everything will be OK. Until you have your stroke.

My colleague and associate Reverend Bill predicted this turn of events early in the Bush administration, and his internet domain was commandeered by Bush brown-shirts as a result. Bill merely dared to chronicle the burger-swollen ass of one Caesar Barber, who sued some NWO outfit because he suddenly realized how fat he was. Now Bill has gone missing, and America has become a nation of Caesar Barbers, except that you’re all too roley-poley to get off the couch and call a lawyer. Trust me, you’re better off watching America’s Next Top Model anyway. Lawsuits over obesity get you “disappeared”.

These days, my sources in black ops tell me that there have been new breakthroughs in hidden synthetic ingredients that will make you fatter and keep you addicted. Scientists have been successful in increasing the efficiency of compounds that will bloat you out faster, keep you that way more permanently, and keep you coming back for more. The breakthroughs only continue. There’s so much work to do in the government fat-labs, they’ve been pulling researchers off of cancer and AIDS projects to bolster the ranks.

I could give you a lot more information about how the Bushies are coordinating this effort, but tough shit, I’m not going to bother. It’ll do no good, and anyway, it’s time to slip on down to my local watering hole while I’m still a free man. This post will probably spell my demise. I’ve given away too much to the undeserving.

2008 is coming, and so with it, a New World Order. A very fat New World Order.

Postscript: did I make you feel bad for being fat? Good. Try a carrot and some cottage cheese next time. And watch your goddamned portions, lardass.